2020: The Most Unexpected Year of Them All

To call the year 2020 a year an unexpected one would be an understatement. While the world went through phases of lockdowns it felt like life had simply stopped and that it’d never go back to the way it was. And I am sure that I wasn’t the only one to feel the shock and the uncertainty. 

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Human beings are creatures of plans and actions. We like planning for years ahead and the pandemic just shattered that notion. We were all left to feel untethered. While things might be getting better now, it is also true that adversity teaches you a lot. Hence, the year 2020 was also a learning experience. This is how I experienced my life as the world around me underwent a pandemic: 

Phase 1 

I had just finished my internals and two days later we received a notice from college telling us that college won't be working anymore due to COVID-19. 15th of March, 2020 was the last time I travelled on a local train, reached college, gave an exam, ate with my friends in the canteen and hugged my best friend for the last time (for a while). 

On the 24th of March, we received the news of my maternal grandfather's demise, but nothing could be done as he lived in U.P. and we were stuck in Maharashtra. Mom cried the entire afternoon and talked to my aunts and uncle but that's all they could do to console each other. In the evening, the prime minister announced that there will be a complete lockdown which sent people into a frenzy. 

My parents were also amongst the people who ran to the medical shop and the grocery store to buy essentials. This was exactly something that shouldn't have been done because this resulted in hundreds of people getting on the streets but can we really blame them? This was a never seen phenomenon and there were no clear instructions, of course, people were anxious. 

I was personally still in denial about the whole situation. The college started taking online lectures, so there was a sense of structure and certainty. The house help wasn't coming anymore, so I also got busy helping mom. I gave myself constant tasks to distract myself. I was also working out at home. 

My younger brother's last exam was cancelled, so for him, it was a summer vacation but a sad one. I kept thinking that now I had enough time to watch all the shows and the movies in the world but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Even though we were all staying at home, it suddenly felt like there was no time to do anything else. So much has happened and yet it feels like so little has happened. 

Phase 2 

Around this time things started getting blurry. I don't remember the dates anymore, and every day seemed the same. I didn't mind staying at home, to be honest. Both my brother and I are introverts, so the situation was pretty close to ideal. 

College lectures were still taking place, and there weren't many changes in my schedule. The cases were rising, but not as much, a few hundred cases every day I believe. Mom is a great cook, so we were getting to eat good food. I think we were pretending that things will get back to normal soon.

Phase 3 

I believe somewhere between phase 2 and phase 3 the local trains stopped working. So Dad stopped going to work and that was when it really hit me that things are getting serious. I don't think local trains have stopped entirely ever. 

This is also the time when our professor told us that we may have to give online exams and while I was alright with the idea of writing an exam, the idea of online vivas absolutely horrified me. It gave me a lot of anxiety. At the same time, the lectures stopped taking place regularly, as the government announced that exams weren't going to take place. My days lost structure. I also stopped working out regularly. My parents wanted me to be more productive with my time because according to them I wasn't being productive enough, so we got into arguments. 

There were two or three days where I was just constantly crying and that was definitely the point where everything hit me all at once - the uncertainty of the situation, the rising cases, the realisation that this might take some time before things get normal. During this time, however, we'd go for walks on the terrace with all the necessary precautions. At home, I felt like I wasn't doing my best because my parents wouldn't stop pointing that out. This paralysed me.

I didn't feel like doing anything. It was clear that all of us were irritated and scared by the situation, but if I were to point this out, they'd very definitely have said that I was trying to blame something else for my laziness. After a week of this happening during which I had started working out, I had a terrible stomach ache at 2 am, now this wouldn't be that scary in other circumstances. But exactly a year before I had been hospitalized because of health issues that started exactly like this, and in the current situation visiting a hospital felt even riskier. I recovered from the stomach ache in around a week. But it was a terrible week. 

So after those two weeks that were horrifying in phase 3, I regained some sanity and the college cancelled our vivas, they just asked us to submit written assignments, which was during the first week of June. So I got busy with completing college work. 

I remember having a conversation with my best friend where she was angry that I hadn't taken the initiative to call her for some weeks. And it was understandable, I felt guilty but I also didn't want to unload everything I went through on her. So I apologised.

Phase 4 - 5/ Unlock 1

By the 4th phase, days had all blurred into one another. I'm not even sure the events I've mentioned above are in the correct chronological order. But they did occur during the same time. Currently, I feel at peace. 

I tried doing everything in moderation - not too much or not too little. I ate well, I exercised on alternate days, I helped mom with whatever I could. I came to terms with the fact that the world had changed. I stopped expecting myself to come out of the pandemic with extra skills or having achieved something because I realised that I was putting too much pressure on myself. I realised that my privilege had provided me with the safety of even thinking whether I can be happy or not even in such times. And I should be grateful for that. 

One can make a significant impact on happiness and wellbeing by resetting the bias we often hold toward the negative and sparking upward spirals. While positive psychology covers many disciplines and areas, many scholars and practitioners have focused on maximizing the benefits of five factors essential to happiness and wellbeing: positive emotions, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment (often known as PERMA) (Roy, 2020)

Thus, I've used my days to read more and learn more, build stronger relations and focus on what I can control. Books, music, art and my family has helped me get through 2020. And I hope that anyone reading this finds solace in little things too.

I Can't Seem to Find Any Money

I am sure that most of my readers have lists of things they would do, places they would visit, the food they would eat and clothes they would buy if they had more money. I know that I definitely have thought about these things. But the very thought of wanting to have more of something begs the question of what would happen if it did not exist at all. Many economists will tell you that money is the symbol of a progressive society. And that without it everything would simply collapse. 

But what if the opposite happened? What if instead of collapsing, we’d simply start rising above excessive greed and unnecessary wants. 

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If money stopped existing, companies would only produce the number of commodities that are needed. Not only would this help in reducing greenhouse effects but also humongous amounts of waste that are ultimately released into the water bodies. Instead of trying to come up with products that help people amass wealth perhaps innovation would take place to help others and be kinder towards each other. 

Perhaps parents would stop pushing their children to enter fields that they consider prestigious when it’s clear that the only thing that makes those fields prestigious is their guarantee of financial stability. According to a Times of India article, one student becomes the victim of suicide every hour. While no one can claim that all of these deaths are due to extreme pressure, it is evident that most of them are. 

If money stopped existing we could save these lives. And we could save the lives of Vidarbha farmers who became victims of suicide because they couldn’t repay their debts.  And save the lives of hundreds of women who are tortured for dowry. 

If it didn’t exist then perhaps people in power would actually work towards bettering the society rather than resorting to corruption. 

If money stopped existing, we would finally start looking for things that we truly derive satisfaction and happiness from. I am sure that many will start looking at life through the lens of art - we’d paint more and draw more, read more poems and write more letters, we’d sing and dance more without worrying about our bank balance. 

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If money never existed, Raju from 3 Idiots wouldn’t have had to jump from the window and Farhan would not have spent four years of his life questioning his self-worth. Perhaps not the most drastic thing to happen if money stopped existing, but it is after all one of my favourite movies and hence, deserves a mention. 

But most importantly, I think we’d extend a helping hand more often. Instead of pushing the person next to us to get on the train or the bus because we are late for the office and might lose some money, we’d offer them a seat. Instead of buying things that we don’t need or simply need to let people know about our status symbol - an expensive phone, a car worth millions, clothes from luxury brands - we’d perhaps focus more on saving the earth from climate changes, on nurturing our mental and physical health, on being a better human being. 

And when I think about it all, perhaps it is not money that needs to stop existing but simply our greed for it.

SILENCES OF DARKNESS

             

       As I go to sleep, as I put my head to rest; as my head hits the pillow which messes my hair; I lose myself in the labyrinth of slumber and dreams that make no sense at times but still make me wish they were true. I sleep with aspirations and dreams of a seventeen year old. I sleep as my mind is filled with confusions and is scared about the future. I decide the end of my story every night and it changes- like every other thing that exists. Sometimes I am 81 and wrinkled and happily married. Sometimes I am 60 and alone and happy. Many a times I am not even 25 properly and it ends. Every night, before I sleep I create my story, I create scenarios in my head, I also in the process decide the fates of everyone else in my life; none of it with the slightest certainty. Some nights I am irrevocably in love with the idea of love, other nights I hate it with utmost passion. Sometimes I want to give back to the universe everything that it has given me and on other nights I want to shout at the top of my voice and tell it that its vastness doesn't bother me. Of course none of it actually happening. These are just mere musings of my mind but then again who is to ascertain that isn't the truth?

            The entire world is sleeping and silences are drowned in darkness. But it’s not the same inside my head. Everything resembles my art, my colour and my silences. It is at this hour that I truly belong to the world and yet feel the urge to leave everything and dive into the abyss of possibilities. Inside my head- it’s bright and colourful and the noisiest. And as soon as I close my eyes, darkness finally wraps me and cradles me to sleep. 

LONGUE VIE HUMANITY!

‘Finally, I was going to meet my friends after a long time. It’s going to be the usual chit chat and tea at our favourite café. I was leaving the house and mom was worried as usual. I assured her that I’ll return home before curfew time. She tells me to keep my cell on general mode and answer the phone whenever she calls or I’ll be grounded. I sigh and leave. Only if I had known that I am seeing her for the last time, I wouldn't have just sighed. I would have told her how much I love her, heck; I wouldn't have left the house. But that’s the thing about future; we are oblivious to it until it finally arrives. My body now lies on the pavement, blood spurting from it. I feel so helpless. Nothing is usual. They didn't ask me my name, my age or my religion; it didn't matter to them. They were here to kill and that’s what they did. Lying here on the pavement my last thoughts are of my mom trying to call me. Sorry mom, I won’t pick up the phone.’

-         My last thoughts as a terror victim

                      129 such lives never returned to their homes, back to their loved ones. The mere fact that they lived in a country whose government policies didn't appease a particular group made them victims of terrorism. People around the globe are sending their condolences to Parisians and display pictures are being changed. But the question is how many of us really understand the depth of the problems or is it just being done to join the bandwagon. People are taking sides: some are ignorantly supporting Paris while others are naively supporting Syria. Because it is not their battle, it is everyone’s battle. The real oppressor is terrorism. And terrorism has no religion or region. Of course people involved make it a matter of religious misogyny. The sole aim of terrorism is to dehumanize civilians and create fear. Of course my sympathy lies with Parisians but it also with the refugees who are dying for no fault of theirs. My sympathies lie with humanity because as far as I am capable of seeing, I see humanity being brutally killed and it’s time we fight to save it!! 

THE GREY CLOAK

           

           I think I started wearing the grey cloak from the time I became conscious of the thoughts of people around me. My skin had always been a spectrum of colors. And I think they despised it.Why wouldn't they? All of them were of the same color. All of them had a grayish tinge to their appearance. Acceptance, of course, was more important than an identity. Once i had donned the Gray cloak they embraced me. I felt safe.I was growing up, safely, inside the cloak. The cloak was gradually becoming a part of me. No one knew my reality. The responsibilities and the risks, the adventures and the dreams would come looking for me and would have to return empty-handed.I was indistinguishable from the grey crowd. I was letting them take me to where they all were heading towards- the end of a life that wasn't lived, the life that was only a reflection of regrets. It didn't mattered to me that I wanted to go in the opposite direction and it didn't mattered to them either. I was only hoping that the cloak shouldn't come off.If it did, they would abandon me. My own identity frightened me. I breathed and I thought the exhaled air would let out the secret. But also loved my colors, I didn't want to lose them. I was living merely as an ontological being. And I hated it.

            So I finally let my cloak fall. All of them gave a collective gasp. But I was not ashamed anymore. I felt euphoric and powerful. I looked them in the eyes and I saw mockery in some, respect in some others. None of it mattered to me anymore. I scanned them and I realized that there are some other people in the crowd who are different too. My cloak was obscuring their colors from me. Obviously some of them are still grey and some others are varying shades of the same color. I was finally free and happy.I was ready to take my own journey now. I decided to move ahead on my own path. Being different is not a crime. I've left the grey cloak far behind.

                   And I think all of us start wearing this cloak at some point in our lives. It doesn't matter whether you are 16 or 60, I urge you to let that cloak fall and let the true you taste freedom and happiness.